by Pierre le Roux
I am in a mood. Actually, I have been in a mood since Monday. For those of you who are not sure what I mean with “in a mood”, let me explain. Since Monday I have not been able to snap out of my normal, not so pleasant, grumpy Monday morning personality and I have been a Debby Downer ever since. Much like Grumpy Cat, I have been somewhat on the “glass is half empty and you can go fuck yourself” side. But don’t get me wrong. I am not apologizing. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day; or in my case a few of them. I just pity the people around me who have not learned how to deal with me when I am behaving like an emotionally stunted child alternated by me breaking down into a snot filled mess. The secret is to just ignore me or to say “you are pretty” but you have to get your timing exactly right or else things can get ugly. After some introspection (talking to our cats because I am eccentric or normal that way) I have come to the bottom of why I am being such a bitch. It was narrowed down to Vodka, Fat and Pollen.
Not being a big Vodka drinker, other than my love for Bloody Mary’s in summer, you may ask yourself why Vodka is upsetting me. Well the answer is simple – Russia! You see I recently learned that a certain Vodka company is sponsoring Joburg Pride and this has caused a shit storm in the South African LGBT community. So much so, that I publically declared that my husband and I will be boycotting Joburg Pride this year. I mean how can we in good conscience participate in an event that is sponsored by a company from a Fag Hating country? Attending Joburg Pride would be like saying it’s ok that Russia is treating our LGBT brothers and sisters like shit, but hey at least they have Vodka! Right?
After posting our plan to boycott Joburg Pride on Facebook, I received some rather unpleasant Facebook messages and emails. All of which, I suppose, were from Vodka drinking homophobe loving assholes. Some did get my tits in a twist, but I decided to just let it go. Frankly, I am not being paid to think for people and I am not here to force my opinions on others (no matter how right they may be). However, all I will say about this matter is, if you are a LGBT event accepting sponsorships from homophobic companies, companies from homophobic countries or any other homophobic person and/or group it is just as good as saying you condone their attitudes toward homosexuals. It kind of makes you an event whore and I am not into shit like that. And because I am not into whoring out my moral values and integrity for money, we are not attending Pride. So if you want to send me more related hate mail on this subject matter, please don’t waste your time and enjoy your homophobic laced Vodka. Ok!
Apart from Vodka, I also was mortified to discover this weekend that I actually put on 4 kilograms. I have never had a good relationship with our scale, I hate that bitch and I am convinced she is a compulsive liar! I mean really? How could I have gained 4 kilograms but not have increased my body fat percentage? Where the fuck did the fat go, or better yet where did the weight come from? It’s not muscle, I am sad to say. Also, it’s not like I have been eating that badly lately. Sure I have stuffed my pie hole with some chocolates, but they were medicinal in that they made me feel better. After all, chocolate doesn’t judge you or tell you that you gained a few. But scales do. They should be banned or at the very least be renamed “Deceitful Machines of Soul Crushing Misfortune!”
I am fully aware that I need to start doing something about my weight gain. I don’t want to end up on some reality show where the person can’t get out of bed and where the show starts with the word “Morbidly”. Luckily I am too lazy to develop an eating disorder and I am still in what is considered to be a “normal weight” range. Unfortunately, I have no immediate intention to start with an exercise regiment because that is for people who don’t own cars and have loads of free time. Besides, I consider herding the bunnies in the afternoons as sufficient exercise. After all it does contain some running around and some various other unconventional exercises like reaching underneath the car, climbing over wicker furniture, jumping over lounge chairs and crawling around on the ground on all fours. However, of late this too has seemed to become a lazy routine. You see, the bunnies too have gained some weight.
Our bunnies have a sweet tooth and, like children, they give preference to the foods they like. Foods like grapes, apples, pineapple and bananas. All of which are rich in sugar and the bunnies leave foods like hay, pellets, herbs, and other vegetables for last. Due to this they too have become somewhat chubby and lazy. Our herding sessions in the afternoons have gone down from forty minutes to five, maybe ten minutes at best. They also halfheartedly run, or sometimes stroll away, preferring for me to do most of the physical exertion. To the point where I wondered last week for who’s benefit am I doing this really. Sure, herding them is the time they should come into the house for dinner and settle in for the night, also it is supposed to be play and exercise time for them. Yet, I am the one getting all of the exercise, and lately not even much of that was happening either. All I really have to do is leave a trail of grapes to the front door and they will come in on their own. And technically letting them get fat is animal abuse. So I guess the two bunnies and I are going to have to go on a diet and I possibly may need to buy a giant hamster wheel.
Lastly, I am in a mood because of pollen and I blame global warming for this. It is August and spring is still a month away in the Southern Hemisphere and yet my garden has decided to start spring early. Now, most of you who read my blog know that spring is the worst time of year for my allergies. This is the time of year when I suffer from chronic hay fever; get pink eyes and generally look and feel like shit. Why nature decided to get a head start, a month early, on torturing my allergies I do not know. But one thing is for sure, I hope it ends a month early as well. If it doesn’t then Mother Nature is just being vindictive and taking out her vengeance on humankind for treating her like shit out on me! So to conclude; No, I am not in a good mood this week. Vodka, fat and pollen are pissing me the fuck off and I am allowing myself a “wallow in self-pity” week. If you have never had one, try it. It’s liberating. And fattening.
Till next time.