by Pierre le Roux
Ok people news flash – I have decided to stop smoking. Again. Because you know, I don’t want to die. At the moment it feels like my lungs are about to apply for asylum because they hate me and they want out of this body. Also, I might be coming down with bronchitis or pneumonia or some other dreadful disease that you can only catch in the gutters of slums in a third world country. Either way, I have reached the point where I am sick of smoking and this will be my fourth attempt to break this hold the tobacco companies have over me. They are sick motherfuckers who are responsible for countless deaths each year and I am hell bent on not becoming one of their statistics.
As I mentioned before, this will be my fourth serious attempt at quitting fags. The previous times I tried to quit using Patches, Zyban and Champix. The patches worked as long as I wore them and I managed to quit smoking for about three months. With Zyban I did not stop smoking at all as half way through my treatment I had a bad reaction to the medication, broke out in hives and looked like I rolled around in poison ivy. With Champix I stopped smoking for about four months but the side effects of the medication almost killed me and fucked up my liver. Champix also made me dream of Nazis and I had the most bizarre nightmares while I was on that drug. I also blame Champix for me contracting pneumonia which landed me in hospital. Quitting smoking is hard and the way in which you decide to do it is very important.
Going cold turkey is most definitely out of the question as I will in all probability commit a murder. I am far too pretty for jail and do you even know what they will do to a person like me in prison? I would become someone’s bitch and end up getting addicted to crack cocaine or crystal meth which is far worse than smoking. Also, I like my rectum the way it is. Medication is also out of the question seeing as the previous times didn’t turn out so great. So I guess I am left to go back to trying the patches again. I usually wear a patch when I take international flights and they worked wonders to suppress my nicotine cravings. Let’s hope they do the trick again this time.
I first started smoking when I was sixteen and I blame my sister for my addiction. You see, she made me smoke while we were on a family vacation and we had to share a hotel room. She was already smoking at that time and convinced me to try it. She even bought me a packet of Marlboro’s. Admittedly when I tried it the first time I found it gross. But I thought my sister was super cool and I wanted to impress her so I started smoking. In retrospect I don’t think my sister made me smoke on that holiday to improve my own coolness. Her real reason to make me smoke was to prevent me from telling on her to our parents. She can be devious sometimes and this is just one of many times she conned me into doing things that I really shouldn’t have. Big sisters can be evil like that but I love mine even though she got me hooked on the Devil’s crack aka nicotine.
Normally when I try to quit smoking I tend to become somewhat of a bitch. I just cannot help it. I develop a short temper, become emotional and overly sensitive. I have also been known to throw tantrums in public which is embarrassing for everyone involved. But taking into consideration that these days smokers are being treated like lepers and we are banned from smoking in most places, quitting might really not be such a bad idea. I am tired of all the judgmental stares people give you when they walk past designated smoking areas looking at you all like “How gross are those people, sucking on those tar and cyanide filled cigarettes polluting our clean air and killing innocent puppies and kittens”. I know you judge us; there is no reason to deny it. If you could throw fake blood on us like Peta does you totally would. Only it wouldn’t be blood, it would most probably be tar or muddy water.
There have been many times that I regretted that I started smoking. When you start to smoke you do not know how hellishly difficult it will be to stop. Many people successfully quit only to start again years later. Look at my sister for one. She quit smoking when she had her first child. She was a non smoker for seven years and then at my birthday party last year she bummed a smoke off me et voillá, after seven years she started smoking again. Sure it could be seen as my revenge for her getting me hooked on the Devil’s Crack (nicotine) but it just shows how hard it is to stay clean of cigarettes.
The real reason why I have decided to stop smoking, other than the fact that I don’t want to die of lung cancer, emphysema, a heart attack or ass cancer, will be revealed in due course. Yes, people there is some big news on the horizon and if you want to find out what that is you will have to keep on reading my blog. And no, I am not just saying this because I want to bullshit you into coming back to read my blog. The news will blow your mind! But I digress. My deadline to start weaning myself off the Devil’s Crack is Monday next week. Bad things usually happen on Mondays so why not start my nicotine rehabilitation on a Monday as the day is going to suck ass anyway. Hopefully I will stay the course and really quit smoking this time. Smoking is a filthy habit that will kill me if I don’t stop.
Till next time.