by Pierre Le Roux
For a Gay Couple Without Kids (GCWOK) we sure do have a shit load of animals. But I do prefer having animals over having actual children. However, animals can be as demanding as children and the two new additions to our queer family are naughty little buggers. In the month that we have had them there has not been a dull moment. Owning rabbits is much like having two destructive toddlers in your house who do what they want, go where they want and chew and pee on what they want and there is little to nothing that you can do about it. And after getting up to some serious mischief they turn around and look at you with those big brown eyes, floppy ears and fluffed fur and their cuteness overwhelms you and it is very difficult to stay mad at them. In the last month I have learned a great deal about rabbits, the kind of stuff that they don’t tell you when you research bunnies on the internet, the kind of stuff that you need to know before you decide to keep them as pets.
The first thing you absolutely must know about bunnies is that they are seriously cute. You might think this is a good thing, but you would be wrong! They use their cuteness as a very effective weapon to manipulate you and get away with just about anything. Sure I just chewed off the cables of three lamps, ate my way through your work folder and peed on the surround sound’s subwoofer but look how adorable I am when I jump around the coffee table and then flop over by your feet asking you to rub my belly. Sure I just peed on your favorite comforter and on you, ate your expensive house plant, broke a glass and bit the cat but look how cute I am when a bath myself and don’t you think my big feet are adorable? Their cuteness is equal to their mischief and inherent destructive nature. They were designed that way and I think God has a seriously dark sense of humor because of it.
Bunnies are also very curious animals and have the ability to get into places you really would not expect them to get into. They are also professionals when it comes to hide and seek, with their specialty being hiding! There have been a couple of days that the bunnies disappeared much to my frustration. Knowing that there is no way for them to get out of the house if the doors are closed many a time I have found them hiding behind the fridge, under the couch, behind the bookshelves, in the fireplace and on top of my computer box; this after I spent a good few hours searching for them. And don’t be fooled, they weren’t chilling in these hiding places, they were hiding and to them this is a game – a fun game for them but not so much for us.
As the bunnies got bigger hubby and I decided to let them outside in the yard. At first they hated it but after some supervised outings they became more used to the idea and this is now an activity they look forward to in the afternoons when we get home from work. At first they enjoyed their freedom and whenever something startled them they would head for the house. But as their confidence grew so did their mischievousness. They usually would spend three to four hours outside and at around 7 or 8pm they would come in by themselves. This was until the other day when they decided “fuck you we want to stay outside longer”. So what did they do, you may ask. Well, they did what they do best – they hid!
At around 8pm hubby and I wanted to start locking up the house. We life in South Africa and this is something you have to do if you don’t want to get robbed or murdered. So we went outside and called the bunnies. After about 20 minutes the calling turned into a full on search. In our PJs with a flashlight in the one hand and a celery stick in the other, we search every inch of our yard, under the cars, the garage, the pool pump and even the pool. An hour passed and nothing. They were nowhere to be found. After another hour passed the girl eventually had enough of their little hide-and-seek game and came out but the boy was still missing. Eventually, after fearing the worst (that he got caught by an owl and was being eaten alive) we gave up, locked the house and prayed that he was ok, where ever he was.
At 3am I went and looked for him again but again went to bed with images of an owl having beakfuls of my precious little bunny. To my relief at six o’clock the next morning the little fucker was sitting in front of the door wanting to come in as if nothing had happened. Where he was hiding I still don’t know but the following evening he was the first one of the two to come in, so clearly spending a night by himself outside was not as much fun as he may have thought. The hiding, albeit frustrating, is not the worst the bunnies do, what is worse is the nymphomania. There is a reason there is a saying “fucking like bunnies”.
Our bunnies are now almost four months old and their hormones are now starting to kick in and their primal urge to procreate is seriously strong. Boy bunnies reach sexual maturity before girl bunnies and as such our boy will be the first to have a little visit to the “Planned Parenthood” vet for a little snip. At the moment he is not yet well enough developed to be neutered but this is not stopping him from having sex with his girlfriend every opportunity he gets. Every time they do the nasty Boris and Killer Pussy look at them with that confused “What the fuck are you doing? What is wrong with you?” look. The first couple of times they had sex we tried to break it up but then they would just hop around the corner and fuck further. So now we just leave them, it’s not like we have time to play fuck police 24/7. Like all good parent we just hope that she does not get pregnant, that she stays in school and that she doesn’t become a stripper!
Yes, bunnies are a handful and may not be the best pets for all people. But despite all the havoc they cause, promiscuity and little tantrums they throw they are adorable and I am very glad we have them. We are still in process of potty training them but it is going badly. The vet said that after we have “altered” them (which is just a weird way of saying after they have been spayed and neutered) it will be easier to potty train them. I guess we will have to wait in see. In the mean time we would just have to walk after them with a cloth and diluted white vinegar until they learn to pee in the litter box and not on us. So if you are considering getting a bunny as a pet, you can’t say that you have not been warned.
Till next time.