by Leah Waldron
For an LGBT American to be truly gay (in the happy sense), we need certain unalienable rights—just like the rest of the population. But since gay marriage, adoption rights and anti-discrimination legislation are taking a while, I thought I would throw out a few ideas to tide us over until the real civil rights (fingers crossed for this November!) kick in.
10. Stop Making Gay TV Couples Always Have the One Flamboyant Guy
Television directors have a lot of fun with couples like Mitch and Cam on “Modern Family,” Tom and John on “Smash,” and Ryan and Bryan on “The New Normal.” Maybe having one flamboyant one provides more comedy gold, but it’s insulting at worst, and super annoying at best. Maybe the directors are worried about over-stereotyping, so they throw in one of each to even things out. If so, please stop, Hollywood. We don’t come in tightly-packaged little pairs, so please don’t portray us that way on TV (keep the rhyming names, though…that is awesome).
9. Picking Some Acronym Letters and Sticking With Them
This is more of a complaint with the LGBT (and sometimes “I”) community. It seems like every few years we add a new letter, subtract a letter, or jumble the existing ones around, and it’s giving us all an identity complex. Maybe we need a new, non-confusing word, and should drop the acronym altogether. “Queer” is okay, I guess. Or “Quiltbag.”
8. Ending Our Sick Relationship With Rainbow Wind Socks
Burning them would be really cathartic…but they will just make more.
7. Bringing Back “Golden Girls”
Picture it: 2012, a new “Golden Girls” spin-off set in St. Olaf, with Betty White as the wise-cracking cook. Most people don’t know this, but the first episode of the 1980s sitcom “Golden Girls” featured a gay cook named Coco. Aside from dropping what would have been an amazing ensemble character, “Golden Girls” did more for gay rights (and women’s rights) than any TV series of its time. Let’s bring it back! (And it has to be better than the “Golden Palace” spin-off with Don Cheadle and Cheech Marin).
6. Creating More Gay Sex-Related Word Definitions (A La Santorum)
Why did we do this only once? Sure, Rick Santorum is a pretty despicable guy, but should he be the only man to ever get an LGBT-approved definition for his last name? What about a new word for Romney?
5. Accepting that Bisexuality is Real, and Unicorns are Not Real
Bisexuality is real (unless it’s a girl-on-girl to get a guy’s attention, then it’s just low self esteem). So gay people need to stop with the hypocritical discrimination. But as for Log Cabin Republicans, they are 100 percent not for real. (see No. 2) Unicorns are also not real, and they are not gay horses.
4. Befriending One Bigot Per Year
This one is tough, but I think it would help. Now that we know—with real scientific research—how important it is for bigots to be introduced to gay people so that they stop being homophobic douchebags, it’s time that we did our part and reached out to someone in need. You don’t have to do it in person. Email might be better.
3. Toning Down the Pride Parade…Just a Touch
I know I’m going to get flack for this one, so I’ll just say it: we over-fetish our Pride parades, and we all know it. This makes it 100 percent more fun, but also pretty hard to negotiate the “being gay is not about sex” point later. I think we should compromise: keep the half-naked guys, but maybe take the sex-miming out. Or keep both and just get rid of the parade all together, and move the party to the beach, where the bikini underwear makes more sense. Besides, everyone just “pretends” to love parades, anyway.
2. Ending the Abusive Relationship With Those Pesky Log Cabin Republicans (and GOProuds)
People in the LCR think Lincoln is related to gay rights in a manner that was never, ever explained to anyone. There’s not much we can do about them, but let’s at least stop pretending that they are “helping.”
1. Solidifying a Canada Back-Up Plan
Trust me on this one….I’m half Canadian. When it comes to gay rights, Canada is about the best place in the world to be—and it’s RIGHT there. So if America can’t get its act together, I say we all move north. The quality of life is better (Canadians make more money per person); there’s national healthcare; violent crime is significantly lower; the energy crisis does not exist (they have way, way more oil than you would ever imagine); and hockey doesn’t seem so bad when you really think about it.
Revel and Riot
The New Normal