by Pierre Le Roux
It’s that time of year. Animals are fornicating and plants are procreating and nature’s debauchery that is called spring is fucking with my allergies. Each year for a full six weeks I walk around wishing that gasmasks were in fashion and that I could wear one everywhere I go. But this would not be socially acceptable and would most probably freak people out, so I have to settle for antihistamines, a nose spray and eye drops. I now know how drug addicts must feel, instead of getting withdrawals if I don’t take my drugs I get blood shot eyes, sinus and persistent sneezing which I am convinced kills brain cells. Mother Nature can be such a bitch and this is why I hate spring.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that spring hails a farewell to winter, the fact that my garden seem to come alive with new flowers and that the dullness of winter is replaces with vibrant new greenery. I also love the sweet perfume of jasmine and purple rain that permeates the air in my garden and watching bees gorge themselves on pollen and nectar. But what I love about spring is also the things that literally make me feel like I want to die. You see I have severe allergies. The kind of allergies that could justify me being encased in a bubble filled with purified air and that is medically sterile. I am allergic to just about everything except cats. Ok, so I lie. I am a little allergic to cats too and we have five.
Spring is the one time of year that my medical aid must think that I am a total hypochondriac, with on average about 3-5 doctor visit during this time every year. You see when my allergies flare up it does so epically. I look and feel like death warmed up with eyes so red it looks like I partied hard the previous night and that I smoked a whole case load of marijuana. My voice goes and my nose start running like it’s preparing for a marathon. It also usually doesn’t stop there. Every year I get an eye infection which is referred to as chronic allergy related pinkeye and when I am really lucky I will also get an ear infection. This year I had both twice and spring is not even really in full swing yet.
In an effort to at least try and make our house on the inside tolerable for me I bought an air purifier. It’s a machine that sucks in air then takes out all the impurities such as dust and pollen and also kills any germs and bacteria that floats around and then blows out the clean air. You can also add special concentrated extracts into the water that smells nice and helps you to relax. I guess it is doing its job because neither hubby nor I have been sick since I bought it, but I suspect I need an industrial sized one to completely get rid of my allergies and make our house on the inside 100% pollen free. Things have gotten so bad that if you stand outside in the garden you can physically see the pollen floating around in the air and it is making my bronchi and corneas shit themselves.
When we were house hunting we had very specific requirements, one of them being that the property should have no grass. You see I am allergic to grass and we didn’t want to spend our weekends having to mow the lawn. Life is too short the waste it behind a lawnmower where as you could rather spend it with a cocktail in the pool. We also had a list of trees and plants, which we at that time, knew I was allergic too. So when we found our house it “semi” fit the bill and we then proceeded to address the “semi” part and did some renovations. The one thing we however neglected to research was some of the plants that were already in our garden and some of the trees and hedges of our neighbors. So came spring, that first year we lived in the house, and I was unpleasantly caught off guard and found myself to be a whimpering snot filled ruby red eyed hot mess. I was at ground zero of a pollen explosion of mammoth proportions. It was like the Hiroshima and Nagasaki of allergy and pollen hell, and I was trapped in the middle!
It’s embarrassing having to go to work looking like you washed your eyes out with acid, having sneezing attacks that last longer than 45 seconds and having been blessed by more people in one day than a visitor to Vatican City. It’s embarrassing having to stand nervously in line at the pharmacy looking like a meth addict waiting to get your allergy alleviating drugs. But I have no choice. I love our house and we still owe a shit load of money on the bond so we need to stay. It’s also not like I can tell my neighbors to cut down their trees and remove certain hedges just because I am seriously allergic to them. So, I do the only thing I can. For six weeks every year I curse Mother Nature and call her things that’s not becoming of a lady. But the bitch doesn’t listen and clearly she doesn’t care. If only rapid weight loss was also a side effect of severe allergies, maybe all this suffering would be worth something. But instead I have to diet AND suffer from allergies. Gawd I hate spring!
Till next time.