by Pierre Le Roux
It is with grave concern that we at Queer HQ learned that a certain Church, of which we do not speak, recently decided to expand their disgraceful conversion therapy program. Their program dubbed H20 (Homosexuality 2 Overcome) that was started in 2005 is now also going to be taught to the general public. Now people with no mental health experience or training will be unleashed amongst the gay community attempting to indiscriminately convert queer folk. But we at Queer HQ have taken notice and we are prepared with our very own counterargument about heterosexuality and our own devious plan.
We all know heterosexuality is a lifestyle choice and enforcing heterosexuality on any person is nothing less than a gross human rights abuse and should be treated with the contempt and disgust it deserves. After all, if it wasn’t for heterosexuality the world would not have been over populated; there would not have been divorce, child neglect and polygamy to mention but just a few. All of these are lifestyle choices: nobody forces you to have children, get married to one or more person, not care for your child or file for divorce. It’s all choices people make themselves. But apart from heterosexuality clearly being a choice, more concerning is how practicing it impacts on the environment.
Heterosexuality is bad for the environment. The typical heterosexual’s carbon food print is 4 times that of the average homosexual. Why you ask? The answer is simple. Due to the average heterosexual being too overburdened by his/her everyday life encumbers (which he/she choose), they generally will also choose practicality over what is good for the environment thereby systematically destroying it. In other words heterosexuals are just plain lazy and because of that Mother Nature suffers.
Very few heterosexuals will take the time to sort out their trash for recycling, do a thorough study about a cars carbon emissions before buying it, find out more about a certain brand’s labor practices and history before purchasing it, or sacrifice a whole Saturday to walk around in the sun with a wig in 6 inch heals to make a statement and to ensure that their community’s voices are heard. If this is not bad enough, it only gets worse from here.
Heterosexuality causes mental distress. It has been well documented that heterosexuality is the leading cause of depression, stress, sexual dysfunctions, unemployment, economic recessions and war. Just look around you if you don’t believe me. How many of these things are as a direct result of homosexuals? Have we made the political decisions that led to war, economic collapse and the residual consequences thereof? No. It was heterosexuals. Therefore, in the interest of our planet and our continued survival we have to root out heterosexuality. It is what’s best for the planet.
Sure confused unconverted heterosexuals out number us (for the moment) and we need this to change. If we allow this scourge to continue, in a hundred years from now, the heterosexual will have all but completely destroyed the earth. Action must be taken and action must be swift!
The first order of business is to infiltrate these so called conversion therapy groups and learn as much as possible about them. Sure certain queer folks’ balls or labia may be met with electrocution, but that’s why we must be selective and deploy only the brave. Secondly, we will announce in all forms of media each and every little dirty detail about these therapies and make sure the whole world knows who and what and exactly how crazy these homophobes are.
As soon as we have exposed these types of therapies as ludicrous and ineffective as they truly are, we can begin with our own conversion. Once the world population has been prepared by our longstanding campaign of subliminal propaganda through print-, film-, electronic-, social media and this Blog, the stage will be set for mass conversions. But don’t fret, we have learned a thing or two from history and it will be nothing like the holocaust.
Heterosexuals will be given a choice (seeing as they like choices). Turn gay or pay! You see we don’t actually want to physically harm any heterosexual (we need them to work as slaves and harvest their sperm and eggs later), but we do want to save our planet. If you don’t voluntarily want to turn gay you will be taxed to death. Heterosexuality will become so expensive, rules so stringent that not even the most chronic OCD sufferer would be able to cope and live within the rules, regulations, procedures and laws we envisage implementing.
Here are just a few things we are currently looking at. There will be no more natural procreation, technology will take over and pregnancy and children will be seen as the privilege they are meant to be. Divorce will be banned and all marriage will end with death of one or both of the spouses. All forms of showing physical affection by heterosexuals will be frowned upon and banned in public spaces, and like smokers they will have small poorly ventilated sections in restaurants out of sight of the other patrons. Employers and immigration authorities will refuse to recognize heterosexual marriages and opposite sex partners will not be afforded certain benefits or legal statuses. Practicing heterosexuals will not be allowed to vote.
Sure some of these things seem harsh, but we are doing this to save our planet and ensure our future. Heterosexuality is destroying life as we know it and if we do not stop them, all can be lost forever. If some of this rhetoric sounds familiar, you may be surprised to learn that most of this I have taken from actual arguments made against homosexuality in just the last few months. Countries the likes of Libya, Egypt, Uganda, United States and the United Emirates have all had some asshole homophobe argue some of these points in public forums.
Homosexuality is a choice, homosexuality is the leading cause of mental illness, homosexuality is the leading cause of divorce amongst heterosexuals, homosexuals are the cause of the economic recession and homosexuality is bad for the environment. We all know this is ridiculous but for some queer reason there are people out there who believe this twaddle. The same people who believe that conversion therapy really works and is a viable option. It is time they wake up and be told the truth. It doesn’t work! It is stupid!
So Dutch Reformed Church of Moreleta, take your H2O therapy and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. It will be right at home with all the other shit and convoluted bullshit in your close mined fanatical religious asses! It is my recommendation that you either keep it safely clenched up in your rectum or flush it down the toilet and not distribute your crap amongst the public, because truth be told – your shit smells.