by Pierre Le Roux
I swear my body works on a five year cycle. Either that or I am more like Oprah than what I want to believe. Since I reached the tender age of thirty my metabolism decided to shut the hell down and all that “I wish I could gain some weight” of my early twenties came back to bite me in my fat ass ten years later. Yes people, it is time to renew my driver’s license again, and yes I am going to be stuck with a pudgy photo of myself on my license until 2017. It’s a bloody nightmare but I have a plan. There’s nothing that I can do about the driver’s license right now but there is something I can do about the weight – it is called KAMEI and it comes from China.
First let me qualify what I mean when I say I am fat. In gay terms I am fat. I’m about 8 to 10 kilograms (17.6 lbs to 22lbs) over what is acceptable, in gay terms, for my height and technically speaking, in gay terms, I am very close to being classified obese. Yes people – OBESE! No one likes a flabby fag and no matter what I want to believe myself – I don’t either. So I did what any self-respecting curvy homosexual would do, I decided to get some diet pills. Not the “you are wired the whole day and at night you can’t sleep” ephedrine kind; No I decided to go for the “I don’t exactly know what’s in them and I could possibly die” Chinese kind.
Desperate times call for desperate measures and for the homosexual on-the-go who don’t have time to run like an obtuse rodent on a treadmill, pills seemed like the perfect solution. A colleague at work was selling these sliming tablets and by all accounts they seem to work. Naturally, I could not resist and I got myself a month’s supply at a very reasonable price. Buying these pills and taking them is very similar to joining Brad Pitt’s Fight Club. Only this is Diet Club, and the first rule of Diet Club is do not talk about Diet Club.
What doesn’t kill you will make you thinner. This is what I told myself when I drank my first pill. There was no piece of paper inside the box listing the active ingredients, its workings or possible side effects. Furthermore, the pills were also not FDA approved and the packaging simply stated it was FDA supervised. I didn’t know what the fuck that meant and frankly I didn’t and still don’t care. If these pills can make me loose 10kgs in 3 months I am prepared to stick feathers up my ass and call myself a chicken. I was going to try it and tell my husband nothing (you know the first rule of Diet Club and all). But alas, I just cannot keep secrets from my hubby.
Come Friday night, hubby and I decided to go out for an early supper at an Italian restaurant just around the corner from where we live. After some good food and a bottle of chardonnay I came clean. “So I am taking these Chinese slimming tablets that I bought at work. It makes you lose weight without any dieting and/or exercise” I said trying not to sound ashamed at my lack of weight loss effort. “Really? Is it legal? It didn’t fall off a truck or come from the black-market, did it? You do work with some pretty strange people and it would not surprise me if it did.” Hubby said with that disapproving look he has perfected. After arriving home hubby asked to see the packing and while reading it he broke down laughing.
My mother taught me to always read the packing of anything before I put it in my mouth because it is important to know exactly what you are putting in your body and how much calories it contains. But, for some strange reason I did not bother to do it this time. Hubby proceeded to read the packaging to me out loud. The ingredients are listed on two separate places, at the one place it ends with the word “and others” and at the other it ends with “ETC”. It seems they listed what they considered to be the most important ingredients but oh don’t you worry about the others they are not important and do not really matter.
Then there were the human body experiment and the goods “do not diarrhea and vomiting or anorexia” and is suitable for the obese crowd and will lessen your circumference. Perfect, I do want my circumference lessened and I do not like having diarrhea, vomiting and I have no intention of starving myself either. So it’s perfect. Hubby said it’s ok for me to take the pills to see if they work. After all, my will and testament is up to date as is all my life insurance. It’s not like there’s anything harmful in my Chinese weight loss pills, right? However, I do lie awake some nights wondering what the “and others” and “ETC” are though.
Today is day five and I am still alive. We don’t own a scale, because scales are evil. The only good practical purpose scales serve is for weighing your luggage to ensure it meets the airline’s weight allowance and that we do at my in-laws. So in the absence of a scale I don’t know if I have lost any weight yet. I’ll guess when I put on that one pair of black pants which have become a little too tight around the hip area I will see if the KAMEI is working. In the mean time, I will think about possibly joining the gym again and cutting out some of those delicious carbs and sugar from my diet. So goodbye cupcakes… Farewell chocolate bars… Au revoir crisps… We won’t be apart long.
Till next time.